Last year was a difficult one. Three friends and I all lost parents in 2019. Another close friend is losing his dad as I write this.
One of my friends, who lost her dad in April of 2019, told me about the idea of "grief bombs." It's an excellent description. The idea is that the grieving process is not really linear. We're somewhat conditioned to think that it is. We should go from denial to anger, from depression to bargaining, and right onto acceptance. But grief in real life doesn't work in a textbook fashion, I'm learning.
My friend whose dad is in hospice now has been describing some of what he's been seeing and feeling the past week. I want to be a willing listener for him. He has shouldered the responsibility of caring for his dad for many years now, and he's been alone for a lot of it. (For reasons I don't know and don't understand, other relatives have pretty well left it to him and can't or won't help.)
He said it's been so tough to see his dad fading away, and it's as if he is starving him. He's not, and he knows it's not true. The natural dying process is taking its course, and the hospice people are doing what they do, helping keep his dad comfortable and as pain-free as possible. I told him I know what he's going through. I remember thinking the same thing last fall as my mom was in hospice. We may understand it's all part of a natural process, but it is very natural to also feel helpless when we have been so involved the rest of the time.
Not to sound selfish... but his descriptions provoked a grief bomb, and brought me back to some vivid recollections of my mom at the end, last November. It will soon be eight months since she's passed away, and in some respects, it still doesn't seem quite real. We went up to visit my dad for his birthday recently, and her absence is still so palpable. The sadness strikes at odd moments, sometimes when I least expect it.
But it is to be expected. Many of us are still within what I call that "year of firsts" - the first milestone days within the first year of one's passing. Birthdays, anniversaries, other holidays, etc.
I don't have any grand answers on any of this. But I am grateful for family and friends who are willing to listen when I need it.